Momming with Anxiety: Day 44

I woke up this morning and a feeling of helplessness washed over me. All the unknowns are creeping up and threatening to smother me. It's a wave that comes over and over again. I get to the top of one and then another hits. I have always been a planner. Sometimes I worry. But I very rarely have anxiety. I try to focus on what I know and what I have control over. What DO I know? I know what will happen for the next 4 weeks. I know the kids have school until May 22 and I will do my best to balance it with work. Got it. I can do that. 

 But what happens after that? What will they do all day when school ends and I'm still working and camps haven't started up yet? What if camps never start? Do I cancel the camps now and try to get some money back? Or do I wait and see if they cancel and give me a refund? Do I move their camps to later in the summer when they're more likely to happen? But if I wait to see if the June camps are cancelled then all the July and August camps might be full. What if I'm home with them all summer trying to work and deal with them? Will we be allowed to go to the beach? Will we be allowed to take our vacations? What if we can't take our vacations? What will we do instead? What if one vacation gets cancelled but we could go the beach instead. But if I wait until June to book a beach house then there won't be any available. That's fine. We don't have to go to the beach. We can just stay here and go to the pool. What if the pool doesn't open? OH MY GOD!!!! WHAT IF THE POOL DOESN'T OPEN?!?!?! 

 This has been my frame of mind ALL DAY LONG.  My DH offers to talk it through and help, but there is no help. I have no answers. And he doesn't have them either. We just have to wait. Wait for the governor to tell us what happens on June 10. And try to be okay with waiting and making last minute decisions. 

 My husband likes to laugh at the time I said that I could, in fact, be spontaneous. I just needed to plan for it. Unfortunately I cannot be spontaneous in a pandemic. I usually plan out every hour of our summer in March. You can't tell me that I have to wait until June to find out what we are doing. That does not suit. Yet here we are. Waiting. And drinking. 

Comments

  1. UnknownApril 28, 2020 at 6:27 PM

    First, I've read a few posts, and love your musings. Second, This is me, you are in my brain. Are you in my brain?? I have had question after question after question bouncing in there and second guessing every single minuscule action.

    Maureen hit the nail on the head with the MEO quote today,

    Fear does not stop death. It stops life.
    And worrying does not take away tomorrow’s troubles. It takes away today’s peace.

    Stay strong mama! We've got this.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Momming Hard Day 9... until the end of time

Things were rolling along quite nicely yesterday (well, not really but let's not get caught up in subtraction regrouping lessons).  We were getting ourselves set up for success on this temporary schedule. We were learning things and reading things and writing things and then... the bottom dropped out. The governor announced all schools are closed for the rest of the year.  I'm sure all the other parents watching the news conference had the same physical reaction that I did. I felt like I'd been punched in the gut. Tears, anger, disbelief... my poor children. ALL these poor children. When they left for spring break they didn't realize it would be the last time they'd see their friends. The last time they'd see their teachers. Ainsley, in particular, is taking it the hardest. She's missing her last Lower School play. Her last Grandparents Day show.  No field day.  No fifth grade graduation. No class graduation party. She is heartbroken. The next time she sets
Read more

Attempted Baking Projects

Image
I’m sure I’m not the only one who started this quarantine and thought the Zombie Apocalypse was imminent. I did what all normal apocalyptic-preparers would do - I filled our extra 60 gallon water containers, I checked the date on my bucket of freeze-dried food, and I stocked up on canned goods and baking essentials. Clearly the stores would be completely shuttered and I was going to have to make my own bread and can my own vegetables by the time we emerged from quarantine. Well, we all know things didn’t turn out quite that bad, but an Ayres is always prepared!  I’ve had a fully stocked pantry of baking ingredients so I’ve worked hard to keep something on the counter to eat at all times. Today I attempted cinnamon squares.  The yeast didn’t rise as much as I thought it should’ve, and I didn’t include the pecans that the recipe called for since I have some nut-haters in the family.  So you roll out the dough and the spread some of the filling, which was easier said than done.  Then you
Read more

Ainsley's 11th Birthday in Lockdown

Image
My baby girl is ELEVEN today!!! She couldn't have a big party, but she sure had a special day.  We surprised her with yard signs ( cardmyyard.com ). We released the butterflies into the garden. They hung out on the kids' hands for a while before flying off.  Her gift from us was a purple hoverboard - she is so excited! Her neighborhood friends came and secretly decorated the garage for a little party. She was so surprised and loved sharing cake with her best friends. THEN to add even more excitement, two of her best friends from school came for a 'drive-by' socially-distant celebration. She was thrilled to see them drive up - she hasn't seen them in person since March 6, before Spring Break!! Both sets of grandparents gave her a new bike (she will get to go shopping and pick it out herself next week). She has grown so much and is in desperate need of a new bike!  My beautiful 11 year old... how time flies!
Read more